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<p><strong>Emotional Affairs: How Close is Too Close?</strong></p> <p><strong>Question:</strong>My partner wants to actively pursue emotionally intimate friendships, and he is closest to females. I find many articles on how easy it is to slip into an emotional affair, and how if he is emotionally investing elsewhere, it is by its nature detracting from our own relationship. How true is this? It is safe to have opposite-gender friends that you talk about everything with, including things that you or they would not want shared with other people? How close is too close?</p> <p><strong>Answer:</strong>Thank you very much for your great question.  I get the feeling that this type of question comes up more often than you would think in a relationship.  Society has made a big deal of married partners cheating sexually, but what about any other form of cheating?  Is being emotionally unavailable with your partner cheating?  Is sex the most important aspect of a relationship or is it an emotional connection?  I bet if you asked ten different people this question you would get ten different answers.</p> <p>I work with clients often who don’t have a problem with their spouse being ‘close’ emotionally with opposite sex friends as long as their spouse is available for them emotionally when needed.  I also work with clients who take issue with their spouse having this type of relationship.  As much as I would like to provide a clear answer to your question, I think it answer would depend on the specific couple and their personality and relationship.  There are many other variables in a relationship that would dictate how close is too close.  In a conservative culture you may find more traditional relationships in terms of communication.  In a liberal culture, my guess is that partners would be more comfortable with their partners engaging in close relationships with friends.  In fact, it would be my guess that a new couple would have different comfort levels with their spouses than that same couple later in that relationship when it comes to their friendships.<br/> <br/>Instead of looking at this situation in terms of “how close is too close”, I would ask that you consider communication.  It is my opinion that communication is the most important element in a relationship.  It starts with each one of you communicating your needs and wants out of a relationship. Simply put, a relationship is successful because you are both having your needs met.  If at any time, one of you is not having your needs met the relationship becomes unbalanced.  In order for you to have your needs met you first must be in a relationship with someone who loves you enough to consider your needs and wants.  Second, it is your responsibility to communicate what you need and want in order for your partner to fulfill those needs.<br/> <br/>As the relationship progresses you would begin to set clear boundaries with each other. These boundaries would sound like this: “when you told Megan about our fight last week it made me feel uncomfortable because that is something I feel should stay between us.  I am not comfortable with you having the type of relationship with Megan where you talk about intimate details of our life”.  What follows could ultimately dictate the success or failure of a relationship.  It really depends on what your partner is willing to do to keep the relationship working and what you are willing to endure for the health of the relationship.  The important thing to remember is that it starts with communication.  You can’t expect your partner to stay out of these relationships unless you make it clear you are not comfortable with it. <br/> <br/>I hope this helps with your question. It’s important to remember that this topis is very subjective.  What works for one couple may not work for another.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/nick-call.php" target="_blank">Nick Call, MA, CSW</a></p>

Emotional Affairs: How Close is Too Close?

Question:My partner wants to actively pursue emotionally intimate friendships, and he is closest to females. I find many articles on how easy it is to slip into an emotional affair, and how if he is emotionally investing elsewhere, it is by its nature detracting from our own relationship. How true is this? It is safe to have opposite-gender friends that you talk about everything with, including things that you or they would not want shared with other people? How close is too close?

Answer:Thank you very much for your great question.  I get the feeling that this type of question comes up more often than you would think in a relationship.  Society has made a big deal of married partners cheating sexually, but what about any other form of cheating?  Is being emotionally unavailable with your partner cheating?  Is sex the most important aspect of a relationship or is it an emotional connection?  I bet if you asked ten different people this question you would get ten different answers.

I work with clients often who don’t have a problem with their spouse being ‘close’ emotionally with opposite sex friends as long as their spouse is available for them emotionally when needed.  I also work with clients who take issue with their spouse having this type of relationship.  As much as I would like to provide a clear answer to your question, I think it answer would depend on the specific couple and their personality and relationship.  There are many other variables in a relationship that would dictate how close is too close.  In a conservative culture you may find more traditional relationships in terms of communication.  In a liberal culture, my guess is that partners would be more comfortable with their partners engaging in close relationships with friends.  In fact, it would be my guess that a new couple would have different comfort levels with their spouses than that same couple later in that relationship when it comes to their friendships.
 
Instead of looking at this situation in terms of “how close is too close”, I would ask that you consider communication.  It is my opinion that communication is the most important element in a relationship.  It starts with each one of you communicating your needs and wants out of a relationship. Simply put, a relationship is successful because you are both having your needs met.  If at any time, one of you is not having your needs met the relationship becomes unbalanced.  In order for you to have your needs met you first must be in a relationship with someone who loves you enough to consider your needs and wants.  Second, it is your responsibility to communicate what you need and want in order for your partner to fulfill those needs.
 
As the relationship progresses you would begin to set clear boundaries with each other. These boundaries would sound like this: “when you told Megan about our fight last week it made me feel uncomfortable because that is something I feel should stay between us.  I am not comfortable with you having the type of relationship with Megan where you talk about intimate details of our life”.  What follows could ultimately dictate the success or failure of a relationship.  It really depends on what your partner is willing to do to keep the relationship working and what you are willing to endure for the health of the relationship.  The important thing to remember is that it starts with communication.  You can’t expect your partner to stay out of these relationships unless you make it clear you are not comfortable with it.
 
I hope this helps with your question. It’s important to remember that this topis is very subjective.  What works for one couple may not work for another.

Nick Call, MA, CSW

<p><strong>Suicidal Thoughts and Cutting</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong>I am 18 years old and I have a lot of problems at home, especially with my mother.  She yells at me a lot and we are always fighting.  Sometimes I cut myself because it makes me feel better.  I also think about suicide sometimes.  I have tried to talk to her about how I feel but nothing ever changes.  What should I do?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>Your situation concerns me.  It sounds like you are not feeling heard and you are experiencing a great deal of emotional pain which are contributing to self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  I would suggest that you first reach out to someone who you can talk to about what is happening in your life.  Reaching out to stable and trusted people in your life is a great place to start.  If you don’t have stable and trusted people in your life, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is a great resource for people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, depression, stress, and any other life problem. To reach them you can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and you can also visit their website at <a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/" target="_blank">http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org</a> where you can chat live with a crisis worker.  Reaching out to someone is also a great way to address self-harm urges like cutting.  They can also help you to problem solve and give you other resources and options. <br/><br/> Counseling would probably greatly benefit you and your mother, if she were willing to attend.  If she is not, counseling can still help you to address the cutting and suicidal thoughts, which are not uncommon when you don’t know what to do with intense emotion.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be especially helpful in addressing such behaviors as it teaches skills to cope with distress and intense emotion and helps them to regulate their emotion so they can make decisions that are not impulsive.  It also teaches skills to communicate more effectively and to set boundaries with others, which may be especially helpful in your situation.   You can learn more about DBT at <a href="http://www.behavioraltech.org/" target="_blank">www.behavioraltech.org</a>.</p> <p>I cannot stress enough that there is hope for your situation to get better, especially if you are willing to reach out for and accept help from the right resources.  Please feel free to contact us if we can help in any way.  I wish you the best of luck.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/anastasia-pollock.php" target="_blank">Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC</a></p>

Suicidal Thoughts and Cutting

Question: I am 18 years old and I have a lot of problems at home, especially with my mother.  She yells at me a lot and we are always fighting.  Sometimes I cut myself because it makes me feel better.  I also think about suicide sometimes.  I have tried to talk to her about how I feel but nothing ever changes.  What should I do?

Response: Your situation concerns me.  It sounds like you are not feeling heard and you are experiencing a great deal of emotional pain which are contributing to self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  I would suggest that you first reach out to someone who you can talk to about what is happening in your life.  Reaching out to stable and trusted people in your life is a great place to start.  If you don’t have stable and trusted people in your life, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is a great resource for people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts, depression, stress, and any other life problem. To reach them you can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and you can also visit their website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org where you can chat live with a crisis worker.  Reaching out to someone is also a great way to address self-harm urges like cutting.  They can also help you to problem solve and give you other resources and options.

 Counseling would probably greatly benefit you and your mother, if she were willing to attend.  If she is not, counseling can still help you to address the cutting and suicidal thoughts, which are not uncommon when you don’t know what to do with intense emotion.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be especially helpful in addressing such behaviors as it teaches skills to cope with distress and intense emotion and helps them to regulate their emotion so they can make decisions that are not impulsive.  It also teaches skills to communicate more effectively and to set boundaries with others, which may be especially helpful in your situation.   You can learn more about DBT at www.behavioraltech.org.

I cannot stress enough that there is hope for your situation to get better, especially if you are willing to reach out for and accept help from the right resources.  Please feel free to contact us if we can help in any way.  I wish you the best of luck.

Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC

<p><strong>Learning to Identify & Control Anger</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong>I feel like I am an emotional wreck. Lately I get mad over the most stupid things. I always regret getting mad afterwards, knowing that I overreacted over something pointless. This problem is beginning to affect my relationship with others. Are there any helpful tips I can try to prevent my anger from splatting out?</p> <p><strong>Answer: </strong>We all experience emotions.  At times in our lives our emotions seem overwhelming and it seems impossible to gain control. The trick is to admit that something needs to be done to keep these emotions from negatively affecting our lives.  This is basically telling yourself, “my emotions are really messing with my life”.  The next step is to be able to make yourself aware of the energy and physical symptoms that occur when you get angry.  In my case, my face begins to get warm, my jaw clenches, my shoulders tighten and I get the feeling down in my stomach that I want yell!  It is at this point where you begin to lose control and lash out or be “mean and/or cruel”.  You may experience some of these signs or maybe you experience different ones, but the point is to be able to understand the physical signs.  If you can recognize these physical signs while they are occurring, you can ‘stop and think’ and ultimately make the choice to react appropriately rather than out of control.  This advice is certainly easier said than done.  It takes practice to regulate your emotions, but this would be a great way to begin to regulate yours.  I hope this gives you a way to prevent your anger from splatting out.<br/><br/>Thank you for taking the  time to let someone know of your struggles.  So often these days people don’t have the courage to speak up and ask for help, but I would like to let you know you are doing the right thing.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/nick-call.php" target="_blank">Nick Call, MA, CSW</a></p>

Learning to Identify & Control Anger

Question: I feel like I am an emotional wreck. Lately I get mad over the most stupid things. I always regret getting mad afterwards, knowing that I overreacted over something pointless. This problem is beginning to affect my relationship with others. Are there any helpful tips I can try to prevent my anger from splatting out?

Answer: We all experience emotions.  At times in our lives our emotions seem overwhelming and it seems impossible to gain control. The trick is to admit that something needs to be done to keep these emotions from negatively affecting our lives.  This is basically telling yourself, “my emotions are really messing with my life”.  The next step is to be able to make yourself aware of the energy and physical symptoms that occur when you get angry.  In my case, my face begins to get warm, my jaw clenches, my shoulders tighten and I get the feeling down in my stomach that I want yell!  It is at this point where you begin to lose control and lash out or be “mean and/or cruel”.  You may experience some of these signs or maybe you experience different ones, but the point is to be able to understand the physical signs.  If you can recognize these physical signs while they are occurring, you can ‘stop and think’ and ultimately make the choice to react appropriately rather than out of control.  This advice is certainly easier said than done.  It takes practice to regulate your emotions, but this would be a great way to begin to regulate yours.  I hope this gives you a way to prevent your anger from splatting out.

Thank you for taking the  time to let someone know of your struggles.  So often these days people don’t have the courage to speak up and ask for help, but I would like to let you know you are doing the right thing.

Nick Call, MA, CSW

<p><strong>Grieving After a Breakup</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong>The man who I thought I was going to marry, recently ended our relationship. No only has this been the most difficult heartbreak of my life, but he is also my boss (We are starting a company together). I am so busy with work, and working closely with him, that I don’t know how to process my feelings, nor do I have the time to. I am afraid that I will be stuck in the grieving process for an unhealthy amount of time. What should I do?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>Break ups are very difficult emotionally, and yours has been made more difficult by the fact that you work with your ex every day.  You have a pretty big decision to make here: continue working with your ex and try to work through your grief about the ending of the relationship at the same time, or to bow out of the business to make your grieving easier on yourself and to prevent your grief from being prolonged.  <br/><br/>The first thing I would suggest is that you reach out to your support network and make sure you are getting the emotional support you need right now.  When we are going through hard times, outside support can provide a place to vent about our feelings and to receive validation.  <br/><br/>Next, I would suggest you take some time away from the situation to do some self-reflection about what is best for you in this situation. Even if you can get away for a few days, it could be helpful to get some distance from this situation in order to do some processing of emotions, which can help you to see the situation more clearly in the end. <br/><br/>Sometimes it can be very helpful to process these types of situations with a trusted, objective person in your life, who will not be judgmental of the situation and who can give you a clearer perspective regarding your options and the best route for you to take.  Make sure that this person isn’t prone to taking sides or bashing your ex (which is usually not helpful at all to the situation), but someone who can be objective in order to help you to work through your choices and your decisions regarding this situation.  <br/><br/>I am sure you are experiencing a great deal of emotion right now and it is very important at the ending of a relationship that you allow yourself to experience those feelings while also taking very good care of yourself. Make sure you are making your self-care a priority so that you can work through this most effectively. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.  Please feel free to contact us if we can assist you in any way.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/anastasia-pollock.php" target="_blank">Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC</a></p>

Grieving After a Breakup

Question: The man who I thought I was going to marry, recently ended our relationship. No only has this been the most difficult heartbreak of my life, but he is also my boss (We are starting a company together). I am so busy with work, and working closely with him, that I don’t know how to process my feelings, nor do I have the time to. I am afraid that I will be stuck in the grieving process for an unhealthy amount of time. What should I do?

Response: Break ups are very difficult emotionally, and yours has been made more difficult by the fact that you work with your ex every day.  You have a pretty big decision to make here: continue working with your ex and try to work through your grief about the ending of the relationship at the same time, or to bow out of the business to make your grieving easier on yourself and to prevent your grief from being prolonged. 

The first thing I would suggest is that you reach out to your support network and make sure you are getting the emotional support you need right now.  When we are going through hard times, outside support can provide a place to vent about our feelings and to receive validation. 

Next, I would suggest you take some time away from the situation to do some self-reflection about what is best for you in this situation. Even if you can get away for a few days, it could be helpful to get some distance from this situation in order to do some processing of emotions, which can help you to see the situation more clearly in the end.

Sometimes it can be very helpful to process these types of situations with a trusted, objective person in your life, who will not be judgmental of the situation and who can give you a clearer perspective regarding your options and the best route for you to take.  Make sure that this person isn’t prone to taking sides or bashing your ex (which is usually not helpful at all to the situation), but someone who can be objective in order to help you to work through your choices and your decisions regarding this situation. 

I am sure you are experiencing a great deal of emotion right now and it is very important at the ending of a relationship that you allow yourself to experience those feelings while also taking very good care of yourself. Make sure you are making your self-care a priority so that you can work through this most effectively. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.  Please feel free to contact us if we can assist you in any way.

Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC

<p><strong>Addressing Unhealthy Family Relationships</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong>My mother is the biggest dilemma in my life, she is very negative about me and my parenting skills. The stress of dealing with my mother has caused me to feel depressed and even consider suicide. I have tried to talk to my mother, but I have been met with yelling, <span>anger, and denial. </span>I struggle over if I should continue to have a relationship with her because I would feel guilty if my 2 kids didn’t have their grandmother in their lives. What should I do?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>To begin with, this is a very difficult situation that are you in.  Family is very important, but when they are causing you to feel depressed to the extent that you consider suicide, there a serious problem.  Family can provide a good support system, which is important to all of us. But what should we do when our families are the cause of a lot of our problems? The best answer to a question like this is to keep healthy boundaries with your mother. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your mother and you have been met with a lot of resistance. You have taken a big step in trying to talk to her about your situation. One skill that you could try is “I” statements. An example of an “I” statement is “I feel belittled when my parenting skills are disrespected in front of my children”. In an “I” statement you are talking about how you feel. Nobody can say you don’t feel like that because the feelings are yours and you feel them. It’s best to keep people’s names and/or saying “you” out of an “I” statement. When a person hears that they are the problem, they can become very defensive. “I” statements take some practice, but if they are used consistently they can be very helpful. </p> <p>You suggested in your questions that you have tried to talk to your mother, but you have been met with yelling, cussing and other things that are really unhelpful in getting your point across. Sometimes, I suggest to my clients after they have tried to talk to someone, but have been met with anger and more problems they could try writing a letter. A letter seems to be helpful in some circumstances because you are not there in person and you can still say everything that you would like to say. I would advise to still use “I” statements and try to not put your mother on the defensive. But she needs to know how you feel. Some things you could discuss in your letter might be that you really want to have a great relationship with your mother, but at this time you feel that your relationship isn’t very helpful to your self-esteem which distracts you from being the best mother you can be.  I would suggest saying that you would love to have your mother as a big part of your lives but right now this can’t happen because of the problems she is causing. A letter is a good way for you to say everything you would like to say without being interrupted and emotions getting the best of both of you.  You might discuss what you need to happen for your mother to be a part of your lives.</p> <p>From your question it sounds like you believe that you have tried everything possible to have a good relationship with your mother. If “I” statements and the letter don’t work, it might be time to consider if keeping a relationship with your mother is worth the problems that is causing you. Only you can decide if the consequences of having a relationship with mother outweighs the positives. A therapist at Life Stone Counseling Centers would gladly help you to discuss the positives <br/>and negatives of this relationship and also help you to discuss the best way to let your mother know about your decision. I wish you the best of luck.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/justin-olsen.php" target="_blank">Justin Olsen, MA, ACMHC</a></p>

Addressing Unhealthy Family Relationships

Question: My mother is the biggest dilemma in my life, she is very negative about me and my parenting skills. The stress of dealing with my mother has caused me to feel depressed and even consider suicide. I have tried to talk to my mother, but I have been met with yelling, anger, and denial. I struggle over if I should continue to have a relationship with her because I would feel guilty if my 2 kids didn’t have their grandmother in their lives. What should I do?

Response: To begin with, this is a very difficult situation that are you in.  Family is very important, but when they are causing you to feel depressed to the extent that you consider suicide, there a serious problem.  Family can provide a good support system, which is important to all of us. But what should we do when our families are the cause of a lot of our problems? The best answer to a question like this is to keep healthy boundaries with your mother. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your mother and you have been met with a lot of resistance. You have taken a big step in trying to talk to her about your situation. One skill that you could try is “I” statements. An example of an “I” statement is “I feel belittled when my parenting skills are disrespected in front of my children”. In an “I” statement you are talking about how you feel. Nobody can say you don’t feel like that because the feelings are yours and you feel them. It’s best to keep people’s names and/or saying “you” out of an “I” statement. When a person hears that they are the problem, they can become very defensive. “I” statements take some practice, but if they are used consistently they can be very helpful. 

You suggested in your questions that you have tried to talk to your mother, but you have been met with yelling, cussing and other things that are really unhelpful in getting your point across. Sometimes, I suggest to my clients after they have tried to talk to someone, but have been met with anger and more problems they could try writing a letter. A letter seems to be helpful in some circumstances because you are not there in person and you can still say everything that you would like to say. I would advise to still use “I” statements and try to not put your mother on the defensive. But she needs to know how you feel. Some things you could discuss in your letter might be that you really want to have a great relationship with your mother, but at this time you feel that your relationship isn’t very helpful to your self-esteem which distracts you from being the best mother you can be.  I would suggest saying that you would love to have your mother as a big part of your lives but right now this can’t happen because of the problems she is causing. A letter is a good way for you to say everything you would like to say without being interrupted and emotions getting the best of both of you.  You might discuss what you need to happen for your mother to be a part of your lives.

From your question it sounds like you believe that you have tried everything possible to have a good relationship with your mother. If “I” statements and the letter don’t work, it might be time to consider if keeping a relationship with your mother is worth the problems that is causing you. Only you can decide if the consequences of having a relationship with mother outweighs the positives. A therapist at Life Stone Counseling Centers would gladly help you to discuss the positives
and negatives of this relationship and also help you to discuss the best way to let your mother know about your decision. I wish you the best of luck.

Justin Olsen, MA, ACMHC

<p><strong>Coping with Suicide in the Family</strong></p> <p><strong>Question:</strong>It has been a little over 7 months since my son died (suicide). I have been dealing with his death the best I can for my other children. My son was 13. He has 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers. His younger brother, who is now 13, is having trouble dealing with it and is getting angry a lot. He is uncomfortable talking with people he does not know. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>Losing a child is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. Grieving after the loss of a loved one is a long and difficult process.  Some of my clients have described the grief process as a roller coaster, where they may feel okay one moment and completely emotional the next.  In my experience, one doesn’t “get over” losing a loved one (especially a child), but instead learns to cope with the emotions related to the loss and move forward.  <br/><br/>It is imperative that you and your family have appropriate social support at a time like this.  Some people find it very helpful to join a support group with others who have experienced a similar loss.  Your son who is currently struggling with this loss may find it very beneficial to hear that he is not alone with what he is experiencing.  You may be able to attend a support group with him so he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable.  There are organizations that provide information and support to people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide.  Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (<a href="http://www.save.org">www.save.org</a>) and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (<a href="http://www.afsp.org">www.afsp.org</a>) provide information about how to work through grief and help others to work through their grief and also offer information about where to find support groups in your area. <br/><br/>It is not uncommon for people to feel angry after a loss and to struggle to know how to express all they are going through.  Allowing your son to feel the anger and other emotions, and to listen to what he has to say is a good place to start in helping him through the grief process.  I would strongly suggest you and your family get in to a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents and grief.  Therapeutic intervention is very helpful in validating a person experiencing grief and providing tools that are useful in moving forward.  You can attend as a family, which may help him to feel more comfortable in the beginning, and he may eventually be willing to see the therapist on his own after he gets to know him or her.  If he refuses to attend therapy, you can attend therapy on your own to learn tools to help him to work through his grief.<br/><br/>It will take time and the process is painful, but with the right support things can get better.  People can work through their grief and get to a place where they can function and even find happiness in their lives again.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/anastasia-pollock.php" target="_blank">Anastasia Pollock, LCMHC</a></p>

Coping with Suicide in the Family

Question:It has been a little over 7 months since my son died (suicide). I have been dealing with his death the best I can for my other children. My son was 13. He has 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers. His younger brother, who is now 13, is having trouble dealing with it and is getting angry a lot. He is uncomfortable talking with people he does not know. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise?

Response: Losing a child is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. Grieving after the loss of a loved one is a long and difficult process.  Some of my clients have described the grief process as a roller coaster, where they may feel okay one moment and completely emotional the next.  In my experience, one doesn’t “get over” losing a loved one (especially a child), but instead learns to cope with the emotions related to the loss and move forward. 

It is imperative that you and your family have appropriate social support at a time like this.  Some people find it very helpful to join a support group with others who have experienced a similar loss.  Your son who is currently struggling with this loss may find it very beneficial to hear that he is not alone with what he is experiencing.  You may be able to attend a support group with him so he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable.  There are organizations that provide information and support to people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide.  Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (www.save.org) and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org) provide information about how to work through grief and help others to work through their grief and also offer information about where to find support groups in your area.

It is not uncommon for people to feel angry after a loss and to struggle to know how to express all they are going through.  Allowing your son to feel the anger and other emotions, and to listen to what he has to say is a good place to start in helping him through the grief process.  I would strongly suggest you and your family get in to a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents and grief.  Therapeutic intervention is very helpful in validating a person experiencing grief and providing tools that are useful in moving forward.  You can attend as a family, which may help him to feel more comfortable in the beginning, and he may eventually be willing to see the therapist on his own after he gets to know him or her.  If he refuses to attend therapy, you can attend therapy on your own to learn tools to help him to work through his grief.

It will take time and the process is painful, but with the right support things can get better.  People can work through their grief and get to a place where they can function and even find happiness in their lives again.

Anastasia Pollock, LCMHC

<p><strong>Overcoming the Wedding Jitters</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong> I am engaged to be married in two weeks. I love the man I am marrying, he is amazing and perfect for me. But recently I am starting to experience the wedding jitters. I am afraid I am going to be a mess on my wedding day. How can I get over this feeling?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>It sounds like you are experiencing very common feelings that people have before a wedding. Excitement can easily turn into nervousness and anxiety. If you notice the sensations related to both excitement and being nervous, they are similar: butterflies in the stomach, feeling restless or agitated, inability to concentrate on the here and now. Reminding yourself that these strong feelings and symptoms are related to a stressful event and will pass can help you tolerate them. Another skill is to notice and put words to the feelings and sensations without judging them right or wrong, for example, “My stomach is tight and I am feeling worried.” Simply notice, describe and let it pass.<br/><br/>This may sound counter-intuitive, but one technique used for worry is to intentionally worry for a set 30 minutes. During this time, go through all of the things you are worried about related to the wedding. Decide which things you have control over and which ones you don’t. If you have control over some of the things you are worrying about, think about steps you can take to prevent them or adjust them. The things you don’t have control over might be worries you can let go of. This means acknowledging that as much as we try, some things are out of our control and we must live with uncertainty and hope for the best.<br/><br/> If you notice yourself worry outside of this set time, remind yourself that you will get back to this worry at the set time. Sometimes, thinking about our worst fears can actually help us cope because acknowledging our feelings allows us to process them and they pass. By thinking, “What would happen if…” we often discover that even if this happened, <br/>in all except the most extreme cases, we would have support and would be okay.<br/><br/>Congratulations. Hopefully by acknowledging your worry you will feel some relief and enjoy your special day.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/find-your-therapist.php" target="_blank">Renee Podunovich, LCMHC</a></p>

Overcoming the Wedding Jitters

Question: I am engaged to be married in two weeks. I love the man I am marrying, he is amazing and perfect for me. But recently I am starting to experience the wedding jitters. I am afraid I am going to be a mess on my wedding day. How can I get over this feeling?

Response: It sounds like you are experiencing very common feelings that people have before a wedding. Excitement can easily turn into nervousness and anxiety. If you notice the sensations related to both excitement and being nervous, they are similar: butterflies in the stomach, feeling restless or agitated, inability to concentrate on the here and now. Reminding yourself that these strong feelings and symptoms are related to a stressful event and will pass can help you tolerate them. Another skill is to notice and put words to the feelings and sensations without judging them right or wrong, for example, “My stomach is tight and I am feeling worried.” Simply notice, describe and let it pass.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but one technique used for worry is to intentionally worry for a set 30 minutes. During this time, go through all of the things you are worried about related to the wedding. Decide which things you have control over and which ones you don’t. If you have control over some of the things you are worrying about, think about steps you can take to prevent them or adjust them. The things you don’t have control over might be worries you can let go of. This means acknowledging that as much as we try, some things are out of our control and we must live with uncertainty and hope for the best.

 If you notice yourself worry outside of this set time, remind yourself that you will get back to this worry at the set time. Sometimes, thinking about our worst fears can actually help us cope because acknowledging our feelings allows us to process them and they pass. By thinking, “What would happen if…” we often discover that even if this happened,
in all except the most extreme cases, we would have support and would be okay.

Congratulations. Hopefully by acknowledging your worry you will feel some relief and enjoy your special day.

Renee Podunovich, LCMHC

<p><strong>Exploring the Cause of Anxiety</strong></p> <p><strong>Question: </strong>I’m 14-year-old girl and I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety symptoms within the last 8 months. I know I’ve gotten better in the last month and half but I still seek the answer to a question that has been bothering me since I started experiencing my anxiety. I have a (girl) best friend and whenever (or most of the time)  when I’m not with her or when she cancels her plans with me, I experience a lot of anxiety. Is it possible that I could have separation anxiety with my best friend?</p> <p><strong>Response: </strong>Noticing a specific trigger related to your anxiety is a big first step in managing anxiety. When you know what is causing the anxiousness, you can start to explore why this is happening. One way to gain insight into our anxiety is to realize that often we experience negative thoughts or beliefs that provoke distressing feelings. What then follows are the anxiety sensations in the body. If we recognize what the thoughts or beliefs are, we can decide if they are true or rational. If they are not, we can learn to cope with them by thinking about our situation from a more positive point of view.<br/><br/>One skill is to notice the “storyline” or what you tell yourself about your friend cancelling plans. It could be a story that because she cancelled you are all alone and don’t have friends, that she doesn’t like you any longer, that you aren’t fun to hang out with, that everyone else is out having fun but not you or many other negative ideas such as this. If you can realize that these are just “stories” you are telling yourself, you can start to ask yourself if these things are really true. You can start to remember other friendships or support that you have. This changes your point of view and can help calm you down by taking control of your thoughts and mind rather than letting them control you.<br/><br/>Separation Anxiety is considered “a normal developmental stage–between 6-8 months and 10-14 months–during which an infant experiences apprehension, uncertainty, discomfort when faced with anticipated or actual separation from a care giver” (McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.). In your case, it sounds as if this friendship is very important to you and it is great that you have such a close relationship and connection to your friend. What is also true is that one person can’t meet all of our needs and isn’t always available to us, so having many friendships can create a larger support network for us and ensure that we can get support when we need it. Another thought is that if your friend is cancelling plans often, it may be an issue you need to talk about with that person and let them know how it affects you. There could be many reasons why your friends is acting the way she does and it could be beneficial to ask her instead of assume what her motives are. This will help the friendship stay supportive to both people.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/find-your-therapist.php" target="_blank">Renee Podunovich, LCMHC</a></p>

Exploring the Cause of Anxiety

Question: I’m 14-year-old girl and I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety symptoms within the last 8 months. I know I’ve gotten better in the last month and half but I still seek the answer to a question that has been bothering me since I started experiencing my anxiety. I have a (girl) best friend and whenever (or most of the time)  when I’m not with her or when she cancels her plans with me, I experience a lot of anxiety. Is it possible that I could have separation anxiety with my best friend?

Response: Noticing a specific trigger related to your anxiety is a big first step in managing anxiety. When you know what is causing the anxiousness, you can start to explore why this is happening. One way to gain insight into our anxiety is to realize that often we experience negative thoughts or beliefs that provoke distressing feelings. What then follows are the anxiety sensations in the body. If we recognize what the thoughts or beliefs are, we can decide if they are true or rational. If they are not, we can learn to cope with them by thinking about our situation from a more positive point of view.

One skill is to notice the “storyline” or what you tell yourself about your friend cancelling plans. It could be a story that because she cancelled you are all alone and don’t have friends, that she doesn’t like you any longer, that you aren’t fun to hang out with, that everyone else is out having fun but not you or many other negative ideas such as this. If you can realize that these are just “stories” you are telling yourself, you can start to ask yourself if these things are really true. You can start to remember other friendships or support that you have. This changes your point of view and can help calm you down by taking control of your thoughts and mind rather than letting them control you.

Separation Anxiety is considered “a normal developmental stage–between 6-8 months and 10-14 months–during which an infant experiences apprehension, uncertainty, discomfort when faced with anticipated or actual separation from a care giver” (McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.). In your case, it sounds as if this friendship is very important to you and it is great that you have such a close relationship and connection to your friend. What is also true is that one person can’t meet all of our needs and isn’t always available to us, so having many friendships can create a larger support network for us and ensure that we can get support when we need it. Another thought is that if your friend is cancelling plans often, it may be an issue you need to talk about with that person and let them know how it affects you. There could be many reasons why your friends is acting the way she does and it could be beneficial to ask her instead of assume what her motives are. This will help the friendship stay supportive to both people.

Renee Podunovich, LCMHC

<p><strong>Balancing Motherhood with Your Own Ambitions</strong></p> <p><strong>Question:</strong>I am a stay at home mother of 4. I LOVE being a mother and being able to spend so much time with my kids. Sometimes though I feel like I am losing myself. I have given up my career, my alone time, a lot of hobbies and ambitions. I feel like I don’t have a sense of identity outside of diapers, “Chutes And Latters” and kindergarten homework. Is this normal? How can I change this feeling?</p> <p><strong>Response:</strong> It’s a great question and one that many stay at home mothers can relate to. If you do a Google search about “resources for stay at home moms” you will be amazed at all of the links that come up and it will show you that you are not alone. Being the mother of young children can be a very rewarding experience and at the same time it can be very isolating. One thing that helps to normalize our feelings is to understand that we can experience seemingly opposite feelings at the same time. This can cause an inner conflict that is uncomfortable. So both feelings are often true for mothers: they find deep joy and satisfaction in their role and they also have their own needs that can get pushed aside and they can start to feel drained, lost and maybe resentful.<br/><br/>As you said, you had your “own career, hobbies and ambitions” before motherhood and those needs for individual fulfillment didn’t necessarily go away once you became a mother. Our identity is largely based on the things you just mentioned and when we are not engaged in those, it is normal to start feeling a loss of identity. Though you may have less time for yourself, it is great to acknowledge that your interests are still important to you and in no way make your love of your new role less valid. In fact those interests often energize us in a way that makes us better caregivers. The challenge for mothers is to find what interests are still meaningful and fulfilling to them and also how to make time for those within their new role.<br/><br/>It is easy to prioritize everyone else’s needs first, but if we always do that, we can really get drained. Taking time for your needs models several important skills to your children about having a life that is satisfying, enriching and also about self-care. The first step in changing how we feel is to really acknowledge and accept our feelings in a nonjudgmental way.</p> <p>We don’t have to tell ourselves we are bad or wrong for our feelings. The next step is to explore all of our current possibilities, develop new coping skills and implement a strategy for making the changes we want over time.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/find-your-therapist.php" target="_blank">Renee Podunovich, LCMHC</a></p>

Balancing Motherhood with Your Own Ambitions

Question:I am a stay at home mother of 4. I LOVE being a mother and being able to spend so much time with my kids. Sometimes though I feel like I am losing myself. I have given up my career, my alone time, a lot of hobbies and ambitions. I feel like I don’t have a sense of identity outside of diapers, “Chutes And Latters” and kindergarten homework. Is this normal? How can I change this feeling?

Response: It’s a great question and one that many stay at home mothers can relate to. If you do a Google search about “resources for stay at home moms” you will be amazed at all of the links that come up and it will show you that you are not alone. Being the mother of young children can be a very rewarding experience and at the same time it can be very isolating. One thing that helps to normalize our feelings is to understand that we can experience seemingly opposite feelings at the same time. This can cause an inner conflict that is uncomfortable. So both feelings are often true for mothers: they find deep joy and satisfaction in their role and they also have their own needs that can get pushed aside and they can start to feel drained, lost and maybe resentful.

As you said, you had your “own career, hobbies and ambitions” before motherhood and those needs for individual fulfillment didn’t necessarily go away once you became a mother. Our identity is largely based on the things you just mentioned and when we are not engaged in those, it is normal to start feeling a loss of identity. Though you may have less time for yourself, it is great to acknowledge that your interests are still important to you and in no way make your love of your new role less valid. In fact those interests often energize us in a way that makes us better caregivers. The challenge for mothers is to find what interests are still meaningful and fulfilling to them and also how to make time for those within their new role.

It is easy to prioritize everyone else’s needs first, but if we always do that, we can really get drained. Taking time for your needs models several important skills to your children about having a life that is satisfying, enriching and also about self-care. The first step in changing how we feel is to really acknowledge and accept our feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

We don’t have to tell ourselves we are bad or wrong for our feelings. The next step is to explore all of our current possibilities, develop new coping skills and implement a strategy for making the changes we want over time.

Renee Podunovich, LCMHC

<p><strong>How Do I Overcome Jealousy in My Relationship?</strong></p> <p><strong>Question:</strong> <span><span>I’ve been in a great loving relationship for over a year with this girl, but I am really jealous when she’s with other guys and ex’s. </span>She has been sexually active with past boyfriends and this troubles me and I get angry. I know I’m insecure, but I try to be confident. I worry about us and her a lot and I need help with getting over her past and not worrying if I’m going to lose her.</span></p> <p><span><strong>Response:</strong> </span>Jealousy can be one of the most damaging emotions when it comes to relationships.  It can lead to anger, defensiveness, and frustration (just to name a few) if it is not addressed.  It is very important that couples communicate regularly about feelings and issues that may come up.  When communicating about difficult topics such as jealousy, it is important that each person is willing to listen to the others concerns without jumping right to defending himself or herself.  It is important when bringing up concerns that each person does so in a way that is not attacking the other person.  A good way to begin a difficult conversation is by starting with an “I statement” such as “I feel insecure and jealous when I see you with your ex-boyfriends”.  It is important that you own you feelings here and realize that your girlfriend may not be trying to make you feel insecure and jealous.  <br/><br/>Make sure the two of you have a timeout plan in place BEFORE the difficult conversation.  A timeout plan consists of letting the other person know how you will communicate that you are becoming overwhelmed and need a break while also letting them know you will return to the conversation in a specified amount of time (usually around 30 minutes for most couples if there are no other pre-existing mental health problems).  Remember, if you are getting heated in the moment, it may be hard to be articulate with your message so make the sign that you need a time out simple and easy to remember (such as just using the words “timeout”).  If you begin feeling heated during the conversation, use your timeout to work on re-focusing and calming yourself so you can continue communicating and solving the problem.  Sometimes couples need to take multiple timeouts, which is completely fine.  In my experience, good communication cannot happen if one or both people in the relationship are overwhelmed with emotion, so take as many timeouts as you need.<br/><br/>A therapist can be very helpful in teaching you additional communication skills to work through problems that come up.  The bottom line is that communication from a nonjudgmental and open stance (meaning that you do your best to stay calm and willing to listen to what the other person has to say) makes it much likelier that you will be able to work through and negotiate solutions to problems such as the one you described above.<br/><br/>Sometimes it is also helpful for a person who is struggling in a relationship to get their own counseling to address possible underlying issues that may be contributing to jealousy and anger.  A therapist can be helpful in identifying these possible issues and help you to work through them so the do not impact your life and relationship.</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifestonecenter.com/anastasia-pollock.php" target="_blank">Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC</a></p>

How Do I Overcome Jealousy in My Relationship?

Question: I’ve been in a great loving relationship for over a year with this girl, but I am really jealous when she’s with other guys and ex’s. She has been sexually active with past boyfriends and this troubles me and I get angry. I know I’m insecure, but I try to be confident. I worry about us and her a lot and I need help with getting over her past and not worrying if I’m going to lose her.

Response: Jealousy can be one of the most damaging emotions when it comes to relationships.  It can lead to anger, defensiveness, and frustration (just to name a few) if it is not addressed.  It is very important that couples communicate regularly about feelings and issues that may come up.  When communicating about difficult topics such as jealousy, it is important that each person is willing to listen to the others concerns without jumping right to defending himself or herself.  It is important when bringing up concerns that each person does so in a way that is not attacking the other person.  A good way to begin a difficult conversation is by starting with an “I statement” such as “I feel insecure and jealous when I see you with your ex-boyfriends”.  It is important that you own you feelings here and realize that your girlfriend may not be trying to make you feel insecure and jealous. 

Make sure the two of you have a timeout plan in place BEFORE the difficult conversation.  A timeout plan consists of letting the other person know how you will communicate that you are becoming overwhelmed and need a break while also letting them know you will return to the conversation in a specified amount of time (usually around 30 minutes for most couples if there are no other pre-existing mental health problems).  Remember, if you are getting heated in the moment, it may be hard to be articulate with your message so make the sign that you need a time out simple and easy to remember (such as just using the words “timeout”).  If you begin feeling heated during the conversation, use your timeout to work on re-focusing and calming yourself so you can continue communicating and solving the problem.  Sometimes couples need to take multiple timeouts, which is completely fine.  In my experience, good communication cannot happen if one or both people in the relationship are overwhelmed with emotion, so take as many timeouts as you need.

A therapist can be very helpful in teaching you additional communication skills to work through problems that come up.  The bottom line is that communication from a nonjudgmental and open stance (meaning that you do your best to stay calm and willing to listen to what the other person has to say) makes it much likelier that you will be able to work through and negotiate solutions to problems such as the one you described above.

Sometimes it is also helpful for a person who is struggling in a relationship to get their own counseling to address possible underlying issues that may be contributing to jealousy and anger.  A therapist can be helpful in identifying these possible issues and help you to work through them so the do not impact your life and relationship.

Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC

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