Ask a Therapist: Dealing with a Terminally Ill Pet | Fox13′s The PLACE
Our pets make their way deep into our hearts and give us so much joy and happiness. It is truly heartbreaking when they are ill and close to the ends of their lives. You are noticing a lot of emotions around this situation, which is normal and healthy. Read more…
Ask a Therapist: “I Have a Toxic Mom” | Fox 13′s The PLACE
It`s important to be honest with kids about strained relationships within your family, but to also give answers that are age appropriate. Learn more...
Improving Your Parenting by Developing Self-Care and Self-Regulation
Question: I am a 27 year old stay at home mom. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Usually I wake up everyday and feel blue, and very tired. Like I could sleep for three days straight. All of my son’s life I have been a chronic yeller. I am impatient with him, have a short fuse all the time. Even when he is doing something I know is normal that four year old kids do, I still gravitate to yelling. I will say things like “Just sit down and watch your show and be quiet” or “Why did you spill your water? I told you not to” I feel so awful afterwards but still continue day in and day out to do it. If he has a melt down and is crying, I get so upset and yell “There is no need for this” I don’t want to be this way but can’t stop. I don’t know what to do anymore. Lately, he has been showing people aggression by gritting his teeth, yells back and has a temper. Everyone I talk to says that the damage is done and that even if I stopped the yelling, his personality has already formed and the four years I have yelled has done to much damage. Can this be fixed or have I permanently damaged him? Please help!
Response: Thank you for writing your question and letting us know of your struggles. Overcoming depression and anxiety is a tremendous challenge. It can be painful to see the effects that it has on ourselves and our loved ones. As you noted in your question, it seems like your depression and anxiety is a playing a role in your parenting style and you are noticing habits that are concerning you and causing you to feel distressed. I want to first say that I hope you are getting the best care that you can for yourself. Many times there are underlying contributing factors that lead to a reduction in mental health. I hope you are making yourself a priority for your own well-being. Often times we find increased patience with parenting when individuals experience a reduction in their depression and anxiety symptoms. As parents, you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can optimally take care of your kids.Are you currently seeing a mental health therapist concerning your depression and anxiety? Talking to a therapist often can be the first step in beginning to manage your concerns.
Are you staying connected with friends and family? Often folks with depression and anxiety may avoid others. Socializing and spending time with family and friends often help lift your spirits.
Are you getting exercise? Getting out and exercising can significantly help to contribute to our mood and well being.
When it comes to yelling at your child, it sounds like you may feel stuck in a pattern of negative habits. Often times folks will say in some variation or another, “I don’t want to be a certain way, but I can’t help it.” Many can relate to a habit that they know in their mind is bad, but nevertheless continue to engage in the negative behavior. In the short term perspective, getting angry and yelling at kids is likely to provide temporary relief as children cease their behavior momentarily. However, you may have realized that getting angry and yelling at children is not effective parenting for the long term as evidenced by your son showing more aggression. We need to replace these short term solutions with more effective long term anger management skills. Techniques such as re-framing thoughts, taking a few deep breaths before intervening, and combining your critique of your children with two positive compliments are a good place to start. There are a number of factors that can contribute to personality formation, some of them include genetics, relationships with peers, high emotional sensitivity, verbal abuse, and childhood trauma. The good news is that mental health professionals have extensive training in helping individuals who may have been affected by these factors and can help them. The damage is not permanent. If you believe that you may have caused harm to your child through chronic yelling, I recommend you take your child in for an assessment at a mental health clinic.
Resolving Interpersonal Issues with Those Closest to Us
Question: I’m looking for some help to get past some issues with my sister in law. She’s an immature, young girl who has been talking crap about me to a woman who used to know my husband (before he and I met 15 years ago). My husband’s twin brother is who she is married to. She literally makes me want to roll my eyes at everything she says. I have a hard time being around her. I have a hard time not judging what she’s wearing, how fat she looks, what she says, etc. How can I get past whatever issues I’m having so that I can stop thinking about this?
Response: It sounds like this issue with your sister in law is causing you some internal conflict. This must be a real issue considering the fact you are married to twin brothers. I would imagine, like most twins, they are close and see each other often. Therefore, forcing you to spend quite a bit of time with your sister in law.
Have you spent any time thinking about what it is that bothers you about her? It is understandable being upset by her sharing details about you with someone from your husband’s past, but that error in judgment does not seem like enough to be where you are at emotionally with her. I feel like if you can get to the root of what is bothering you about her, you will begin to understand how to get over your eye rolling and personal judgment of her.
Do you like spending time with her? Is she someone you generally enjoy talking to? Do you find yourself being annoyed with a lot of things she says or does? What you need to do is spend some time thinking about if this has more to do with you than her. There are people in our lives that bother us and we just don’t get along with for whatever reason. It’s just not a fit. We can choose to make each interaction with them an uncomfortable, judgmental experience, or we can understand what it is about them that bothers us personally and try to make the best of the situation.
So very simply, I would recommend you spend time giving some serious thought to what are the root issues in this relationship. Does it only come down to her being immature? Or does it come down to something personally within you and how you react to the immature things she does or says? I think the only person who can answer this is you. Then you need to decide what you can do with that information. Does that mean you realize she will continue to act like this, but you make the decision to not hold this against her or affect your relationship with her? Or you may realize that you have some communication issues with her, and you feel the need to discuss those issues with her in order to promote a more happy and peaceful family situation.
I apologize for not having a “miracle cure” for this, but interpersonal conflicts can be tricky and may require some personal reflection and work in order to fix what is not working. In an ideal situation, the two of you could sit down together, have an open conversation about your thoughts and able to share your feelings without any fear of retribution, in an effort to both have a better understanding of each other and know what both of you requires from your relationship. However, that is not always possible. Therefore, if it will only be you examining how to fix things, then you need to work on your responsibility in the relationship, and what things you can fix within yourself to make sure you are giving an honest effort to the relationship.
I hope something within this message is able to give you something to reflect on and possibly assist you.
Repairing Family Relationships After an Affair
Question: I was involved in a long-term affair that ultimately led to a messy conclusion to both of our marriages. We are still together, but the fall out from the affair’s disclosure has greatly affected our children. My eighteen year old son is living with me and hates any mention of the man who he feels ruined his family. I feel my son needs time to adjust to living in a different situation and to decide his path for the future. My partner on the other hand, feels that we should be living together by now and that everyone should just come to terms with that. I feel that shouldn’t happen until his messy divorce proceedings are complete. This has caused disagreement between us and last week I accidentally found out that he registered on a dating website two months ago and has been actively seeking another relationship. He is insisting that if we were together as he wanted this wouldn’t be happening. Everything in my gut is telling me that the way I was proceeding was best for all concerned but now he is making me question that. Am I wrong?
Response: I don’t believe you are “wrong” in choosing to do what is best for yourself and your family. Trusting your gut when it comes to your family is something that should not be ignored. Relationships, come and go over time. Friendships, come and go. One thing that will always remain is family. The bond between a mother and a child is something that cannot be duplicated through any other relationship we can form. With that said, it sounds like your plan to have your relationship “take a back seat” in order for those family relationships to heal seems to something you feel strongly about.
What you need to determine comes down to a few important keys. I am going to write several questions and I ask that you give them each serious thought.
What are you priorities?
Is your relationship with your son high on your priority list?
Is making sure you don’t upset things with your romantic relationship higher on that priority list?
During this “back seat” time in giving both families time to heal, what is it you are hoping to accomplish?
Have you given serious consideration to possibly ending the relationship in order to help both families in the healing process?
Finally, in regards to your partner on the dating website, this is a difficult situation to be in because of the circumstances your own relationship has been. You probably want to trust him and believe him, however, you have personally witnessed him engaging in a relationship that he had to hide from his wife and children. Could he now be doing the same things behind your back because you are not moving in with him and doing what he wants? What may be important here is to take a step back and be honest about why people are on dating websites. What is the purpose he was on there? Do you believe him that nothing came from his time on the dating site? Like it or not, you need to ask yourself if you trust him not to go to a dating website or cheat on you in the future when there are tough times in your relationship. Every relationship has difficult things to deal with. Is he the one you can trust to be there for you? Is he the one that your children can trust knowing their mother is being loved, respected and well taken care of?
I hope these thoughts and questions can assist you during this difficult time. Please keep in mind that we at Life Stone Counseling Centers would be more than happy to help you with any individual counseling you may need to help you process these thoughts. We also have excellent couples counselors at Life Stone and would love to help you and your partner discuss relationship concerns or help you with your future planning.
Long Term Relationships: Establishing Trust & Communication
Question: My girlfriend goes to a college about 6-7 hours away. I love her, she loves me. But I get jealous when she goes to parties every weekend. I don’t know what to think. Should tell her how I feel about it? I know she wants to have fun with her friends, but it just doesn’t seem right cause she dresses very provocative and it worries me. It almost feels like a silent unspoken stab in the heart when she does that. If I tell her I don’t like her to party and dress like that I’m afraid I’ll push her away. I’d appreciate the help..
Response: Hello and thank you for contacting Lifestone Counseling Centers with this personal matter that is causing you distress.
It sounds like this situation with your girlfriend is causing you some difficulties. Relationships themselves are already difficult enough without the added element of being apart from each other for long periods of time. Even the most happy and content couples admit having to work through issues and sometimes things not coming very easy. In your scenario, you mentioned that you both love each other, so you have that mutual care and affection for each other already established. That is a great foundation to build from.
Now you need to deal with a couple of elements causing a strain on the relationship. The first, how to maintain a strong, respectful and loving relationship while being so far apart. The second element builds off the first element, how to communicate with each other when it comes to loving and respectful treatment of one another. There is no set blueprint for how this can be accomplished because this can only be established between you as a couple. The most important component to all of this is communication. If you cannot communicate what you believe to be respectful relationship boundaries, then your partner is left to guess or assume they know what will be acceptable to you. This may lead to problems later on when your partner does something that upsets you and when you try to discuss your feelings on the issue, your partner may be unaware this issue was so important to you.
In your situation, it sounds like you are hesitant about communicating your thoughts or feelings with your girlfriend because you fear that may push her away. What you need to consider is how not being able to talk to her about how you feel is affecting the relationship. Are you able to be yourself when you are with her, talking to her on the phone, knowing you are feeling sad and like her actions are an “unspoken stab in the heart?” You may want to consider taking that step in communicating with her about the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. Also, keep in mind that it is important to not be accusatory or cause someone to be defensive. When someone is defensive, it will be difficult to have a respectful exchange of viewpoints. The best communication comes from honest, calm discussions where both parties can remain respectful and can value seeing points from the other persons perspective.
Here is a PDF you can use that has some helpful tips to keep in mind to help guide you with your communication:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/How_Can_I_Communicate_Better.pdf
I hope this proves to be helpful for you in your situation.
Are You Experiencing Emotional Abuse?
Question:I am always being told by my parents that I am acting “like trash and a whore” and that I am “too sensitive”. When I try to bring the topic up with my parents, my step dad will say things like “If I think this is abuse too bad because a lot of people have it worse than I do.” Is this verbal abuse?
Response: Hey there, thank you very much for inquiring on our website. Based on the question you submitted it sounds as if there may be emotional abuse occurring. Emotional abuse is very difficult to define and it is even harder to prove. Something that I perceive as harmless could be considered abusive to another person. I have included some information from the website www.helpguide.org below:
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Contrary to this old saying, emotional abuse can severely damage a child’s mental health or social development, leaving lifelong psychological scars. Examples of emotional child abuse include:
Myth’s of Emotional Abuse:
MYTH #1: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.
Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene.
MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their children.
Fact: While it’s easy to say that only “bad people” abuse their children, it’s not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.
MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.
Fact: Child abuse doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.
MYTH #4: Most child abusers are strangers.
Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family.
MYTH #5: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.
Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.
The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to, and shouldn’t have to be the victim of any form of abuse. That’s where good communication comes in and seeing a therapist can certainly help you with your communication to your parents.
Identifying Sexual Abuse in Your Child
Question: I suspect my child may have been sexually abused? How can I be certain and what do I do?
Response: As a parent this is one of the most frightening situations to think about, but it is one that you should not shy away from. It is important that we are an advocate for the safety and security of our children. First, if you are concerned about sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, discuss this with your child directly. You must have this conversation in a place were your child feels safe and make sure
that the suspected abuser is not in on the
conversation. Remember that this is not shameful and you should approach this subject delicately and non-judgmentally.
Some warning signs of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse are crying or fighting about going to a specific place, acting frightened around a specific person, shunning affection, being overly clingy, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, nightmares, bed wetting (if this was previously not an issue), bleeding or bruising on the body specifically in the genital area, urinary tract infections, trouble sitting do to discomfort, conflicting stories, depression, drug or alcohol use, being secretive, isolating oneself, acts extremely jealous toward others, and aggression. If your child is exhibiting any of these signs it does not mean that they were abused but it is concerning and you should seek professional help.
Remember to stay calm during this conversation and seek help. Make sure your child gets the medical attention that they need, contact the police department for an investigation along with the Division of Child and Family Services, and seek mental health counseling.
For support please contact the Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline at 1-855-323-3237. Therapists at Life Stone are also available to help your family through these difficult times.
Challenges in Leaving Home & Becoming Independent
Question:I am a 25 year old woman who still lives at home with my divorced mother and brother. My mom has always sacrificed her needs to make sure that her kids were taken care of. However she is also very stubborn and controlling. I have always been submissive and obedient to her demands, including obsessive chores, cooking and devoting my salary to the families rent. Lately I have become tired of walking on eggshells. I recently got involved with a man that takes me away on the weekends and makes life exciting! My mother is beside herself about this, calling me selfish and accusing me of abandoning the family. I feel guilty. I love my mother and want to be obedient, but I also want to experience my youth. What should I do?
Response: Thanks so much for taking to time to let us know of your ongoing struggles.
I want to start by saying that your mother sounds like an amazing woman. I heard you make it a point to explain that she has sacrificed to make sure that you and your brother have what you need in life. I am not able to put myself in her shoes, but it sounds as if she truly has you and your brothers best interests at heart. Even though she has your best interest at heart, it sounds as if she has some irrational beliefs and expectations of you.
As a mental health professional, I always look at my clients current stage in life. As an individual goes through life there are several “developmental stages”. Each developmental stage presents with a certain set of expectations and essential milestones in order to progress through that stage appropriately. You are 25 years old which means that the main goals in your life should be focused on developing intimate relationships. These intimate relationships aren’t just sexual in nature. Often times, these relationships develop between close friends and family members. In addition to making and keeping these intimate relationships, this time in life is meant to begin to acquire your sense of self actualization. As young adults we need to begin the path to identifying what we want out of life and begin working towards those goals. This is the idea of developing a sense of self actualization. We need to have purpose in life in order to be happy. YOU need to have purpose in your life other than cleaning and other household chores.
It seems to me that your mother still thinks you need the structure and parenting of someone much less mature. She may be doing this out of selfishness or maybe she is being malicious and purposely trying to make your life miserable, but more than likely she is unconsciously afraid that she will lose you. She is doing everything she can to keep you around because lets face it, it is a sad day when your child moves on with life. She uses rationale that she used when you were ten and continues to provide structure and increase your responsibility. You should be out practicing your communication and social skills with close friends, romantic partners and others in your life.
You should be moving towards figuring out what you want out of life and achieving your goals. I am positive that I can help you in this process.
Happiness Stems From “Fixing” Yourself- Not Others
Question:I know that my husband has suffered from depression for a long time. When things get rough, he tends to abandon myself and our daughter. I know that he still loves us, but he questions his love. I’m not sure why he does this. I want to enroll us in marriage counseling. How can I help fix his problems and get him home and feeling better?
Response: Greetings friend! Thank you very much for taking the time to ask your question on our site! The hardest part of dealing with emotional concerns is to first ask for help. You have taken that first step and now it is time to work through this challenge.
I want to start by providing you with a little different perspective. The only person that will ever be able to truly make your husband happy is himself. If he is not able to be content with himself it will impact his ability to be a good husband and father. It sounds to me as if his depression is directly standing in the way of his happiness. He must begin to work on addressing his depression (and other reasons that may be causing him to be unhappy) to begin the process of recovery. The only way he will begin to address his depression is to first admit that he is depressed and that it is causing his life to be unhealthy. It’s almost like an alcoholic must first admit that he/she is an alcoholic and then be willing to stop drinking in order to begin the process of recovery.
Additionally, the only person that will ever be able to truly make you happy is you. You must understand that you cannot be the one to fix your husband. You can offer support and love and insight into the problems between the two of you, but ultimately he has to be happy with himself. There are many things that you can do in therapy to make yourself as healthy as possible so you can be a good mother and wife. You do these things by working on your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perspectives. I can help you with this process. I can also help you and your husband understand the most important elements in any relationships and work towards a lasting relationship. I would focus on helping each of you get healthy individually so that you can maintain a healthy relationship.